He told me once that if my husband were to leave me, I could do much better than that "ball of anger." I awoke one crisp morning in March of 2007 and heard no noise within my mind except my own inner voice, telling me I had to leave. I am not perfect and am working so hard on my stuff but I am worn so thin from years of being put down. My ex was looking for someone to make the decision for him, and boy did he find it in 2 different professionals. Unfortunately, I regularly hear stories similiar to this one from my clients who went somewhere else first. Someone CAN heal from abuse. I often have clients in my office who have been to another counselor who suggested they walk away from the relationship after a single session, and it makes my heart hurt. The Day God Told Me to Leave My Husband. Therapy didn’t bode well. Our youngest had just been diagnosed with mild autism. This conversation was going to take a while. They can tell quite a bit, though. I was fuming mad at what I’d permitted my life to become. He finally agreed and they went to see someone locally who was referred to them by a friend. No — I was in over my head. I would encourage you to fully explore all of your options with someone who can help you make sure you’ve left no stone unturned. They had to just leave. I knew he wouldn’t change. I can’t express enough how important it is to find a pro marriage counselor who has the training and experience to give you the help you need. No one ever asked me to pick up my husband’s clothes. I told him it wasn't the porn itself I was worried about, but that he preferred it to me, a living, breathing woman. I said I was sorry and offered them other times that day. I won’t get into too much detail in … No one can or should tell you if your marriage is worth saving. If that number is lower than 75%, go somewhere else. What a great article at the time when I need it most. I need an emotionally stable counsellor and not someone still mired in the consequences of their own questionable behavior. He knew my fears better than I did. This happened years ago but just last month I saw him because he promised to return something important to me and he raped me again. Thanks for sharing! Although marriage therapists and counselors' primary goal is to help you improve your relationship, that isn't always possible. Forgive me for not being more sympathetic. I told my husband I wanted a divorce, but he knew damn well I wasn’t leaving. I couldn’t agree more about the need to find a pro marriage marriage counselor. If you are trying to make this difficult decision, it's important to know that you're not alone -- in America, for example, about 50% of marriages end in divorce. Because the advice he would give me would only benefit him. All my best, Kim. If not approached properly, marriage counseling can turn to divorce counseling quickly. I do hope you’ll give marriage counseling another chance though because I do believe, done right, it can provide you the tools to create the marriage you want. He threw himself into a leather chair and clunked his thongs onto the coffee table. So this was the state we were in when we showed up at our new marriage therapist’s office. There are good marriage counselors out there. My husband was getting the help he needed. I hesitated on this one because this can be tricky. I would encourage you to find a counselor who takes a similar approach. Check out the episode below. Having the credentials doesn’t mean you know what you are doing. “My husband has been very anxious and been stressing out about the baby,” she wrote. I had to leave. I found this very distressing, especially since I thought it a good sign my husband even agreed to go to counseling with me even though he doesn’t feel it’s for him. I don't understand why he says this, and it is very hurtful. If we can help you with that, I hope you’ll call. If you aren’t completely satisfied that you are putting your marriage in good hands, walk away. I could blame my husband all I wanted, but I was the one who stuck around. > My husband asked me to write our story to see > what some other opinions about it might be, what others > might do. Dr. Jerry put his hands in his lap. Yes! I just saw a marriage counselor for the first time with my husband, and the counselor advised me to move on since my husband clearly didn’t have an interest in working on the marriage. 32 years is a huge investment and walking away is rarely the easiest option though it often masquerades itself as such. None would work. Life is very hard for people who divorce.”. We both had individual sessions and couples therapy. Before scheduling, check out their website and any blogs/articles they’ve written. My husband said he wouldn’t invest in anything with her because of my irrational feelings about this woman, so we passed. We fought constantly, mostly about how my husband slept till noon, rarely got out of bed, refused to look for a job, and instead had become obsessed with conspiracy theories. It is as if it is a Do’s and Dont’s list, but instead of dividing them into two columns it is just one list and the reader has to infer which column it belongs to. He knows that I don't have anywhere to go, and all the money is in his control. I wanted a great marriage. I wish my husband told me that. I told Lori that I … Hopefully, your therapist is checking in on a regular basis and asking how you feel things are going. “You know everything’s not always going to be perfect in your marriage. I can’t believe the therapist would just let us loose and advise me that “hope is not your best friend right now”. If you would just stop shutting yourself off from him you two would be happy.” “You can’t heal from abuse.” This last was said and I just stared at her. He hadn’t had to take me seriously before. Politics and Marriage: Who Wins October 26, 2020Considering all that 2020 has already been, it seems appropriate this would also be the year we have a crazy election season with a seemingly very divided nation trying to elect its next president. And so are the kids, btw! After each of us meeting individually with her and together as a couple for Over a year, I finally had the nerve to tell her that the fights have gotten so bad that the last few times I considered suicide. No counselor is perfectly on their game for every session every single day of the week. Marriage is Hard November 17, 2020Choose your hard   Choose your hard. Honestly, he probably just doesn't want to be with you anymore, which really sucks, and is just using his therapist as a scapegoat. Great article! I chose this therapist because she supposedly specialized in narcissism and ran a support group for wives of narcissric partners. This time he believed me. I am reeling from finally accepting that my marriage counselor doesn’t believe me, take me seriously and sides with my husband. Dr. Jerry brought the tips of his fingers together like a steeple and rested his chin there. At some point, he’d start dragging down our kids, too. Our eldest had ADHD and was struggling in school. This time he asked for forgiveness and told me he will never leave even if I wished to leave him. Is it just somehow easier to believe that he’s as wonderful as he presents himself to be and tell me to toughen up and open up and it will all be ok rather than acknowledge I might be going through some bad things with him? I just love this post for so many reasons. Over the days and weeks that followed, my husband stood his ground. It's normal to feel like things are … My … Our marriage therapist’s office was located in a building with mirrored panes. The marriage counselor is really an individual therapist. “You are the best for letting me go out. In their first meeting, her husband told the counselor he was only staying in a miserable marriage because of their kids. In retrospect, many of his problems pre-date … …which is exactly … Oh! “You leave and you could end up on the street. It is a critical difference in approach. Listen to calming music. It’s important for you to remember, though, that no outside person, whether they be your best friend, your preacher, or your counselor, can make this decision for you. A therapist is supposed to remain an open minded neutral 3rd party. I won’t get into too much detail in this post, those are other stories. I was the household maid. He believed that every school shooting was a hoax, 9/11 was an inside job, chemtrails were real, and aliens lived underground in New Mexico. Not wanting to be a nun in my own marriage, I finally confronted Tim. If communication is the cornerstone of a good relationship, your husband’s grunts and eye rolls aren’t going to cut it. Katy showed up in my office in tears. It might actually be quite good.”. I’ve made this my personal mission and have trained with many of the big names in my field. As a couples therapist, I am often asked for my advice in these situations about whether to leave. #Shorts #ShortAdvice #ShortStories I will randomly post 1 short question each week. I have also been told to “end it”. I didn't tell anyone, not even my current boyfriend (even though … I found her to be blatantly unprofessional, flippant and insensitive. > Turned out to be me… It is jethro again… My therapist usually prefers to talk about me instead of my relationship and such. “The central finding of this study is that parental divorce impacts detrimentally the [child’s] capacity to love and be loved within a lasting, committed relationship.” They found that “divorce begets fewer marriages, poorer marriages, and more divorces.”, Dr. Ken Newbergerhttp://www.MarriageCounselingAlt.comSouthwest Florida (Naples- Fort Myers). My husband was diagnosed with PTSD (not military-related) and bipolar disorder approx. He was still obsessed with conspiracy theories. Now he was playing right into them. At least on a sinking ship, my fate was predictable. I know now I could blame my husband all I wanted, but I was the one who stuck around. I was always doing something for someone else. Dating and Dollars: I Won’t Go On A Date If I Can’t Pay For Myself, 10 Ways a Man Knows He’s Ready For Commitment, The 5 Golden Rules of Economically Diverse Friendships, My Husband Taught Me Everything I Know About Feminism, If You Experience These 4 Signs with Your New Partner, Run. So I want to hear from you. VENT/RANT. But I am genuinely at a loss. "Oh well Dr. so&so told me to leave you." I smelled cheap aftershave and spearmint gum. I’m supposed to give thanks for the heat?”. Tony, no matter what a therapist or any third party says, only you can and should decide whether to end it. Before we met with our new marriage therapist, we had to meet with my husband’s life coach. I anticipated she would retire sooner rather than later, but assumed she would give me a longer … Marriage counseling is very different from individual counseling which is why we take your marriage as the client as much as we do the two of you. He has done this for years on end and I’ve lived with the fear that he was one day going to leave me. It should make you angry too. Maybe they wanted plaques for their walls and good reviews on Yelp. Make sure you choose a marriage counselor who is truly a “relationship” expert. I will tell you what my therapist told me (I went a couple of months ago by myself).. she suggested maybe taking a trial separation. I am taking time to heal from this “professional’s” assault and hoping against hope her “direction” has not permanently altered the course of our marriage. Even if divorce is not encouraged, it is not helpful when a therapist speaks poorly about your spouse or gives you advice. I had been initiating all my social encounters at that point. I didn’t have to explain myself differently — he understood me. She asked what my goals were and I tried to explain that he didn’t know he was abusive and maybe it could be gently pointed out that this or that action is hurtful to me, then there might be a break and I could have time to heal. “your husband loves you so much. Al and Dr. Jerry were being paid to keep us together. BF's therapist told him to leave me? You want a counselor who can stand in the truth even if that means one or both of you gets upset or gets your feelings hurt. But if it’s constantly there or just the fear of it is there, it’s much more difficult, I would think. Wasn’t the coach enough? But nothing could prepare me for what Dr. Jerry said next. This is something I’ve just realized over the past few months, thinking our problems were communication and stubbornness. Choosing a counselor is such a HUGE deal because my husband has been so hesitant about going. 7. He tells me that if I leave then the kids are staying with him. The day God clearly told me to get out. I read an article this morning about our very counselor we chose and he is pro marriage with extensive experience in couples counseling, so that gives me so much hope for our future together. I certainly didn’t want the marriage I had. You may be doing everyone a favor. Larissa knew about me. She told him to end it. Husband has schizophrenia, symptoms more intense & wants to give me “proof” to draw me in.What do I do? How did he go from telling me I was the best thing that ever happened to him one month, and the next month telling me he had to leave me? All because of my fear of being alone. How has your husband’s behavior for the past couple of years affected you?”. Excellent article. There are too many to mention but I have also been made to feel insignificant just there to be dumped on. He wanted when we first met, but I was complicit, an enabler, a jobless conspiracy theorist appeared... This sounds like failure on his part, but it ’ s to her... 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