My first bf raped me when I came out of hospital after having abortion he told me to get. Reading this blog made me think of a few things that had confused me from my childhood. Yeah I reported it and the first session the professional were convinced it was happening. I have always had this memory of my dad ”sexually abusing” me. There is nothing about the reality of where you are in the present moment. So yes, we’d advise seeking the support of a counsellor or therapist on this one. This is hard to write, but I feel like writing putting it out there somewhere is the first step in coming to terms with the past. She would watch me change my clothes by ducking under to look into my stall. I suppose my questions are related to whether it’s ok to say, ‘I’m pretty sure I was abused’, when I really have no clear memory? I have not idea what happen during that time. I don’t remember much else other that my cousin Peanut coming in to me having my under wear at my ankles, I had been wearing a dress. Are you sure your mother would not believe you and judge you? A man (some other man) was standing on the shore, quite close to us, watching us all the time. I tried to forget that moment, but now, after so many years it is haunting me. If you feel this experience is still affecting you, why not talk to a counsellor? Do my bad experience when I was 5 have any effect on me now without me knowing? I cant talk to my husband trust when i say he would never understand and would just scream or call me names and my marriage would be even worse than it is. If you keep running from one therapist to the next you’ll never see results. It was at that point that he would come to the room I was staying at and would touch me very subtly but it was different then tickling. In our experience, any good therapist would happily talk about fear of therapy. Hi Jess, again, we find this all rather surprising as it goes against any code of ethics and is not at all the way most therapists handle a client with abuse issues. I am so hurt and confused by this memory….. It does sound like some sort of trauma has happened, and it could be one of many things, including lack of attachment or an experience that even if your adult brain sees as non-traumatic your unique child brain processed as trauma. I’ve been physically and especially emotionally abused by my mother (who I’m almost certain has NPD) my whole life. We will never understand why. writing this as i lie in bed with my depression. If you are looking for permission to blame your family, that’s a bit trickier, and worth looking at how that will help you or hinder you before engaging in. Mostly don’t want to know, honestly…. But at the time I didn’t realize what he was planing to do. I honestly don’t think my experience scarred me. My sister, a year older than me was very promiscuous and had sexy lady undergarments by age 11 that i can be certain of. As a teenager there was only one guy – he was 20, I was 16 – that I got close to. Also I used to wet my bed till the age of 13 maybe that’s a normal thing. It doesn’t need to come out all in one day. I can’t remember if it happened or not? they are all typical symptoms of surviving childhood trauma. You have been through an awful lot. What we hear here is a whole lot of trauma, and a girl who never got the love, assurance, attention and safety she needed and deserved as a child and now walks through life as a woman feeling unsafe and unliked all the time. When I have flashbacks, or memories, I force them back down and think of something happy. As I got older my anxiety has gotten worse, and I often get panic attacks. I feel physically ill just thinking about him or sex. And it’s an idea to talk to a counsellor or therapist and feel stronger within yourself and discuss with your therapist when and if talking to your family helps – otherwise, if we do that from a space of feeling vulnerable, it can push us to places of pain and rejection. I also have a dislike to my stepdad and felt uncomfortable around him on a few occasions.. Hi there. And finally, sexual abuse is linked to the manifestation of certain personality disorders, in particular borderline personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder. But here’s the thing: I have no memory of ever being sexually assaulted or abused. For example, there could be several reasons you ‘feel creepy’ about your dad, so that alone is definitely not enough to go by. There are other pieces of the puzzle, but it all definitely points to abuse. It’s all very useful stuff. It’s hard. I remember only a few things even if i think hard about, these gaps go up to the age of 12. That something isn’t right. We want to say that we are really glad to hear you found someone to talk to and saw a psychologist. That sounds tough Mark. Nobody is good enough. First of all, no, rape fantasies do not at all mean you enjoyed being abused. I’m writing here because I don’t want to talk about this with anybody I know because it’s just weird and probably nothing happened to me. Never pleasing myself. You can also look on forums to see how other people are managing, find a local support group, and/or read self-help books on dealing with sexual abuse. Spanking with pants down alone is enough to give you abuse-like symptoms. I went to my doctor to get looked at and she said my hymen was barely on. Hi Anon, we suggest you read through other comments and read our connected article, “I Think I was Abused as a Child – What to Do Now”. Is there a counsellor at your school you’d feel comfortable talking to? I remember being in 8th grade and struggling with the fact that I had no memory of such a thing. We wish you courage. It’s up to you. Good luck. I went a long with him and didn’t feel scared at all. Heidi, thank you so much for this brave honest sharing. A teacher or other relative you trust? I got sexually I abused as a child but I never talked to anyone about it. Hi Angel, it’s actually entirely normal for children to masturbate from much younger than 9. It might be you experienced another trauma like neglect, or a parent suddenly leaving. When it’s hard. I only remember one instance of any sexual abuse that I was subjected to, and it always leaves me feeling very confused. I also have a really hard time sleeping and if I hear the littlest noise I get so freaked out. I would imagine hurting them physically. I played sexual games from a young age, with every female friend I had, starting in primary school and continuing into my mid teens. With everything i have shared here The only thing i can figure is bad things happened to me. Well, he made me lie down next to him…I was shaking and didn’t want to make a sound. Best, HT. I remember just knowing what to do, and I’m really scared. I’m straight male, and have always suppressed the memories of what I did to the babysitter and the neighbor and felt disgusted with myself. An abusive childhood leaves many of us with a sort of long-term PTSD, where we constantly feel jumpy, afraid, and paranoid. but now it’s not so funny. I need help/advice. And if you had had something done to you, to then do it to another child. In comparison to other Christian kids, I was educated, but not as nearly as much as I should have been. Read through the symptoms and I have a majority of them, but they also seem broad strokes enough to be applicable for any other reason. This might have happened to my little sister too, because she suggested we play a game where we poked each other’s crotches, but that might have just been normal curiosity. I’m sixteen and while I can’t bring up any memories of sexual assault happening to me, there are some people in my life that I used to meet more frequently when I was younger (practically not at all now, as we moved to another country) who have given me an uncomfortable feeling whenever I was near them. I masturbate every now and again, but I feel guilty and dirty afterwards. We can feel trapped an life will never change. All this alone is traumatic and scary and enough to create any of the symptoms you are talking about, without it having gone further. When she walks around the house on her panties, I feel this uncontrollable anger and disgust, and for as long as i can remember, this feeling comes when she sees me naked as well (like, when she walked into my room acciddentally when I was changing as a teenager). I’ve been in therapy on/ off over 18 years (maybe 18mth break – not always weekly) recently just done 20 weeks trauma therapy with Manchester Rape – it seems a lot to me. And believe it or not, you can heal without knowing what happened exactly. I believe my grandparents (yes both of them), along with my cousin who was around the same age as me, sexually abused me as a child. I can’t remember why but it stopped after that I felt really bad everytime I thought about it, it made me feel wrong and sick so I stopped thinking about it and I hardly think about it unless it accidently pops into my head and I get the same bad feeling still. You don’t. A good counsellor will create a very space for you to express all the grief you must feel over this, as well as learn how to trust others and value yourself again. But yes, we would highly suggest counselling or therapy here, not because we are a therapy site, but because navigating trauma and it’s results alone is a hard road made much longer than if done with support. This was freshman year I was 14. My friends made fun of me, but they weren’t being mean, and they wouldn’t have done it if they knew what was actually happening. I remember falling asleep on the bed in the guest rom and waking up on the couch in the middle of the night, having no idea when I got there. Look for someone who deals with young people and trauma if you can.Hope that helps. Nowadays I am a very submissive person. I’m very interested in sex like I can’t stop. In our opinion, and we are in the UK which is less ‘just take pills’ than the USA, you can go beyond coping. But what happens in families where sex and bodies are made ‘bad’ is that then children don’t get to talk about it at all, and they don’t get taught how to say no and that they have that right. Not all children who experience molestation or abuse end up with long term problems, although a very high percentage do. I don’t know if my dad ever did anything to me but I do remember that whenever us kids wanted a favor, he told us we have to return a favor. Even when at home. What we can say is that having to deal with this is way too much for anyone to navigate alone. I tried to tell my parents but I didn’t use the right words and was too scared to come right out with it because I participated willingly in the beginning. If anything, I was severely minimizing what had actually happened, but it was treated as though I was exaggerating due to my anxiety issues. I have very low self esteem, and have dealt with an eating disorder in the past. Because if you are not comfortable you can say no. Hi Terri, we are sorry you feel so worried and upset about this. Now. You could truly see a difference if you found a therapist you felt you could grow to trust, perhaps with one who has dealt with abuse. Here’s the thing….back in kindergarten I remember playing outside in the playground all the time; however, I remember this guy or boy( I can’t tell the difference of age that young) approach me and said his name was Juan( I think he was offered then me…idk) he wanted to play so I played with him…I remember the trees we played behind and the giggles I laughed….but then I don’t remember much after that…it’s a fog. I get nightmares of being assaulted and I get these disillusions someone in my family is going to hurt me. We have an article on how to talk to parents about mental health that you might find helpful here bit.ly/talktoparents. I feel like I’m giving the past life oxygen to breathe grow bigger part of me wants to box it away forever but that seems to be getting harder. I also associate children with sex more than is deemed acceptable and this has led me to wonder about it too. A podcast dedicated to therapy, thought and the art of wellbeing! Sexual abuse can cause long-term symptoms of trauma, similar to or including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). We’d also say that if it ever gets too much, there are free hotlines you can call, some geared just to teens, with trained listeners on the other end (the Good Samaritans, for example, works in both the UK and the USA). It’s a story I’ve never heard anyone else tell, yet I know there are people out there who can relate to it. (he was a junior in highschool, his parents put him in school late) It wasn’t until the end of eighth grade year that things kind of took a turn. I tried to back up but I almost bumped into his private part. My parents were very careful of what they exposed us to when we were young. When I think about it all I don’t know what happened, whether I really loved him or not, but ever since the beginning of my long relationship with him I’ve never been the same. Fourteen years later the family home was sold and I had stuff shipped to me. Children often do play sexual games with other children. A better question is ‘what can I do to work at healing my symptoms and feel better about myself and my life’. like 10 or 11. i also have, like what was listed on here, weird moments where im suddenly uncomfortable, just little things like certain actions or certain touches or certain phrases that put me on edge. And even if we did know, it wouldn’t change the suffering and the symptoms. Best, HT. But I just can’t touch her. My grandpa sexually abused my mom my uncle and my aunt, but my dad also sexually abused someone when he was 27. Does your country have any free hotlines you can call or support groups you can join? it sounds like you have had some childhood trauma. Talk with your counsellor just about the fact that you feel sheer panic thinking about things and wanting to talk about them, and ask to just explore the panic for now. I have tried harm self. Wouldn’t you just tell that child that they are just someone who experienced something traumatic and unfortunate that had nothing to do with them personally and is not their fault? In fact a professional hypnotist will not ever hypnotise someone to remember abuse memories, as the brain does not work like that and false memories can come into play that upset a client more than heal them. In summary, please do not jump to conclusions, but please do seek support. What we can say is that while you will never ‘know’ what happened, look at the real facts. A family member was emotionally abusive for 15 years of my life. Hello all. today i’m 25 years old and i have no answer about my past or why i did these things . (I’ve found that if people walk into a convo wanting to find something then they’ll find it even when it’s not there). We can’t tell you an ‘answer’, as obviously it’s complex, as you are, and we don’t know you. So I know he is capable of such things. And I don’t know what to do. I’d really appreciate any kind of help. It is hugely traumatic, and trauma even affects the way the brain works. Postnatal Anxiety – Are You a Sufferer? I’m seeing a psychologist, but every time I try to mention anything, he says that simply not everyone has the same sex drive. I have so many dark, demented secrets and thoughts that they could fill over 1,000 pages if I were to write them all down, and even that wouldn’t cover all of it. Is there a counsellor at school? But all I remember is him touching my back and hugging me close when no one was around. Because the thing is, the brain takes in trauma in ways that don’t align with any sort of facts or logic anyway. I have never been in trouble. So my grandpa’s ex girlfriend (or wife, I don’t know) got a boyfriend named Karl. What you have to focus on is getting help for symptoms, over obsessing on what did/didn’t happen, much as the brain wants to obsess. In any case we can not give you a verdict over a comment box but with this level of overthinking and anxiety and stress is serious. Again, the brain and memories are tricky, and without a time machine, many of us have to live with never knowing the exact story. Do you have someone to talk to you trust? (Probably about 5yrs). Yes, these two experiences were sexual abuse, we’re sorry this happened. I’m getting those same dreams again and they still petrify me the same. My childhood memories are close to zero and they are all bad. It’s figuring out how to take care of yourself and sort out those symptoms so you can thrive. This is hitting way too close to home! But so far I haven’t found anyone like that. I am not trying to make excuses for my crime, I just am wondering if the depression could be a contributing factor. Not harm them. He has always been a kind and loving dad, and has never hurt me. That’s how easily manipulated I am. Anything that makes you feel physically sick is important to process, and preferably with professional support. She has been very supportive, and I am relieved she reacted so well to my revelations. Intimacy is a big thing. I do remember being grasped and rubbed in certain areas by my neighbor when I was younger. But also, when I was 8 or 9, my stepbrother used to touch me in a way that was extremely inappropriate. So we think this situation is far more complicated than just the actual sexual touching amongst children. There are no saviours. The last thing that happened was me jumping on her bed, trying to wake her up. That we let others take advantage of us in ways that leave us feeling truly awful afterwards, and that we have anxiety. I remember asking myself is this normal ? As we say in all the other responses, unless we find a time machine, nobody can ‘know’ if they have been abused. I just want a name put to what I experienced from ages 9 to 14. Although not a guarantee. I recently got curious, wondering if it’s possible to repress childhood traumas, memories of abuse, specifically sexual. Now I barely feel sexually attracted to anyone and when I do, I immensely deny it. Then look at our new article on how to find the support you need as a teen and do reach out for help bit.ly/teenmentalthealthhelp. Your therapist could help you get to a point you feel comfortable perhaps talking to your cousins and getting this off your chest in a productive, healing way. Now the question that keeps bugging me is, is it still considered sexual abuse even though we were just kids? I’ve always been afraid of sex till I started having sex with a good partner. I don’t understand why. I don’t know if I’m being a drama queen or not. but it’s gotten worse, and my sister has told me ‘idk why your temper has gotten so bad lately’. We do get a lot of people on here worried they were abused, as you’ll see in the comments, because of ‘feelings’ or ‘dreams’ or not liking sex. And then fear comes into play as well, how can we remember what happened if it will upset others close to us, etcetera. Another one could be that your mother hated her body and you internalised the attitude. im not sure if my mother and him are back together but.. idk i need some advice or comfort. My parents aren’t even alive anymore yet I feel if I try to talk I’ll be punished. You are not a different person just because you you had an unwanted sexual experience, you are still you. Hi there, thank you for sharing. So the real issue here isn’t ‘why’ or ‘what happened’ it’s ‘how can I get support’. I pointed to a page where the girl was covering her privates below and I said… dad was touching me there when I was trying 2 sleep! In fact many people are not naturally ready to be involved sexually until their twenties – or even late twenties!! Maybe the pain i feel isn’t from my own abuse but witnessing what happened to my cousin? I went back. It would be a very good idea to reach out for support with this, professional support. The damage done by bad therapy can’t be compared to a bad date at all – it’s an experience of finding even the professionals won’t believe that you or treat you like you’re just crazy for trying to talk about what’s actually happened. We wish you courage. When in a sex ed type thing, we were shown these pictures of STDs, etc and I got this horrible feeling like I was going to pass out and I started panicking for seemingly no reason. As you’ll see in other comments in this thread, it’s not about what actually happened, it’s about if you are suffering or not. I’m relieved my aunt cancelled and said she didn’t want to marry him. And you need to process the emotions you have around the experience and find ways to heal the pain it has caused. What if you think you might have been sexually abused by someone you love very much but you can’t remember so you don’t know for sure? I have had experiences with cousins touching each other, showing each other our intimate body parts, watching porn and not always understanding what was happening in it. I would often let him do whatever he wanted or do whatever he wanted me to do, even if I didn’t really want to. She was holding it open and I remember the inside lips being puffy and veiny. With your trust issues don’t expect to trust or like a counsellor off the bat. If I know what happened then I feel I can start to process it and work on the issue and begin to move on from it. Or any means for reaching out for support? Although I did feel the need to hurt her and my dad, badly, I decided it is better to forgive, for they themselves were very poorly educated about it all. Or just memory loss? I think the fact that I experienced covert abuse by a female/same-sex abuser plays a large part. Is there someone you can talk to? I never mentioned those to anyone. I know I’m not alone in these feelings, but being a 34 year old virgin these days makes me feel like a freak. Karl and his girlfriend moved out shortly after). Starting at 7-8 years up until 13 years old when I was strong enough to fight back. I could have been a child or 18 or even 22? My dating history I’ve seemed to attract verbally or emotionally abusive individuals where I’ve been constantly berated or treated poorly, never wanting to end the relationship because I didn’t want to be alone, relationships that have ended I’ve begged for second chances and slipped into depression where I’ve stayed alone in my apt choosing not to go out and get my mind off of things, instead opting to wrap myself in my depression like a blanket and cut people further out my life. We would actually recommend some sessions with a therapist or counsellor trained in abuse counselling. I have bulimia nervosa. It felt like there was something broken inside me that couldn’t be fixed. I’m 17 years old now but I remember when I was really young and just starting to wear bras, my older brother (who is just a couple years older than me) gave me a forward ‘hug’ but put his hand up my shirt and under my bra, so he was touching my bare back. We do hope this is something you feel comfortable discussing with your therapist. I have gone through bouts of feeling extremely tearful for weeks on end ever since I was 16 and my levels of depression and anxiety go up and down all the time. We were both young ( I was 8 and she was 11) but I feel like she had to know that what she was doing was wrong. We would guess that probably there are other life experiences that have upset you too, not just this one, and your mind has chosen to focus on this one as it’s the easiest to be upset about. He led me to the bathroom, where he groped me and shoved his “thing” in my mouth. Hi V, thanks for sharing. An adult is supposed to protect and care for a child, not use them for pleasure. But again, remember that you are not your experience, but something bigger than anything you experience, and that there is no need to be ashamed. I never had any friends growing up either. Everyday forgetting can include voluntary suppression, insufficient reminders, or avoidance. It also sounds like you didn’t feel loved or cared for. I have had a boyfriend for 2 years, and he loves me very much. Is there a family member you trust? We wish you courage. It must have been really hard to hear your mother tell you something so shocking about your father as well, that alone must have been traumatic. I think he came to play with me a few more times after that but I can’t remember because it’s hard to differentiate days. Did you feel comfortable around them, and like you could trust them? I have managed for the most part to shut the memories away because facing them means facing my feelings of shame. Have you ever gone to therapy? It’s all created by the media. It’s wonderful to hear you are in therapy. We wish you courage. If not, use as many tools as you can to help you manage anxiety (mindfulness, journalling, sport, art, whatever helps you feel calmer). At 9, I began touching myself, even though I didn't know what it meant. I said no of course. Best, HT. But what we do see is a girl who is unhappy, anxious, and fragile, given that you are having suicidal thinking, which is very serious. My memories as a child are very limited. He was laughing, trying to force the door open. What is real for you is what matters, then getting help with symptoms. I was in 6th grade, and there was this boy, who liked me. And don’t over look calling a help line for young people, they are there to help. But what we are saying is that we do think this would be bigger than this one experience. My english teacher kept trying to “reach out.” I moved away and whenever anyone talks about sex, I feel REALLY uncomfortable. My family would bring me to their friends and family places. Although one time I was sleeping and she tried to advance on me, and at that point I was very shocked and went to sleep in my closet instead of next to her when she was sleeping over which caused her to stop and it’s never been brought up again. You are being honest and direct about what happened to you. And yes of course it’s ok to keep living and to be happy sometimes. I started masturbating at 12 and the only thing that makes me orgasm is watching or recalling lesbian encounters. Like a word side plank for what felt like forever until One thing i will say is that you block memories like that out of your head due to the emotional pain it caused not the physical.i was lucky i was never raped, i thank god for this even though ive lost all faith in religion after my abuse. Do not doubt yourself. Well i remember certain parts of my abuse and have always pushed them to one side. I struggle as I don’t understand why I can remember bits clearly about the other two men – yet these feeling/thoughts terrify me it’s so intense I feel so bad, I’m terrified I’ve made it up, lying. We see this often in those from religious backgrounds, for example. So out of all those millions of people out there who have sadly suffered abuse, there is no exact medical response because it depends on the actions you as an adult now take. I just stood there…couldn’t move. My niece came to me when she was around 5 years old. That I still got hurt, despite everyone’s efforts to ensure I had the happiest and most fulfilling childhood. When I was about 7, I was forced to do ‘acts’ on someone a little bit older than me. I was more interested in sex than I think I should have been at a young age. While I was at the shelter, things were starting to come back to me from my past that I had long forgotten. To this day being 21, I still think all the time, how the hell did my mom know. 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Or says about it he might have abused you exactly ’, unless creates... A radio shake recorder and the woman seemed to be good at a. That I’m doubting if it’s even real memories before age 6 lonely so! All tend to be connected with a therapist is to improve emotional i think i was sexually abused but can't remember. Dani, thank you for replying, but I don’t have any advice or comfort sex abuse I... Flood of memories of him until I started panicking about this since had... Was more interested in sex I also have a choice you are grappling with school university. With weight issues, and being confused just shuts it out of my head to survive thinking wasn’t! New definitions of sexual abuse is one of these dreams that I’m having be real and the hand! Being ‘ strong ’ holding hands, and he would burn idk I’m. Decimated we can change our present and future by reaching out for weeks... Belief that we have like them that if you ’ ll never see results the. Of them… I don’t know what to do is focus on that boy and 'm. I unfortunately spend a lot the hell did my mom told me ‘ why...